The Battle Of Epping Forest

(Taken from a news story concerning two rival gangs fighting
Over East-End Protection rights)

Along the Forest Road, there's hundreds of cars - luxury cars
Each has got its load of convertible bars, cutlery cars - superscars!
For today is the day when they sort it out, sort it out
'Cause they disagree on a gangland boundary
Yes, they disagree on a gangland boundary

There's Willy Wright and his boys -
One helluva noise, that's Billy's boys!
With fully-fashioned mugs, that's Little John's thugs
The Barking Slugs - supersmugs!
For today is the day when they sort it out, sort it out
These Christian soldiers fight to protect the poor
East end héroes got to score in

The Battle of Epping Forest
It's the Battle of Epping Forest
Right outside your door
You ain't seen nothing like it
No, you ain't seen nothing like it
Not since the Civil War

Coming over the hill are the boys of Bill
And Johnny's lads stand very still
With the thumpire's shout, they all start to clout
- There's no guns in this gentleman's bout
Georgie moves in on the outside left
With a chain flying round his head
And Harold Demure, from Art Literature
Nips up the nearest tree
(Here come the cavalry!)

Admidst the battle roar
Accountants keep the score: 10-4
They've never been alone, after getting a radiophone
The bluebells are ringing for Sweetmeal Sam, real ham
Handing out bread and jam just like any picnic

It's 5-4 on William Wright; he made his pile on Derby night
When Billy was a kid, walking the streets
The other kids hid - so they did!
Now, after working hard in security trade, he's got it made
The shops that need aid are those that haven't paid

I do my double-show quick! — said Mick the Prick, fresh out the nick
I sell cheap holiday. The minute they leave
Then a visit I pay - and does it pay!
And his friend, Liquid Len by name
Of Wine, Women and Wandsworth fame
Said I'm breaking the legs of the bastard that got me framded!

They called me the Reverend when I entered the Church unstained
My employers have changed but the name has remained
It all began when I went on a tour
Hoping to find some furniture
I followed a sign - it said Beautiful Chest
It led to a lady who showed me her best
She was taken by surprise when I quickly closed my eyes
So she rang the bell, and quick as hell
Bob the Nob came out on his job
To see what the trouble was
Louise, is the Reverend hard to please?
You're telling me!
Perhaps, sir, if it's not too late
We could interest you in our Staffordshire plate?
Oh no, not me, I'm a man of repute
But the Devil caught hold of my soul and a voice called out Shoot!

To save my steeple, I visited people
For this I'd gone when I met Little John
His name came, I understood
When the judge said: You're a robbing hood
He told me of his strange foundation
Conceived on sight of the Woodstock nation
He'd had to hide his reputation
When poor, 'twas salvation from door to door
But now, with a pin-up guru every week
It's Love, Peace & Truth Incorporated for all who seek

He employed me has a karmacanic, with overall charms
His hands were then fit to receive, receive alms
That's why we're in

The Battle of Epping Forest
It's the Battle of Epping Forest
Right outside your door
We guard your souls for peanuts
And we guard your shops and houses
For just a little more

In with a left hook is the Bethnal Green Butcher
But he's countered on the right by Mick's chain-gang fight
And Liquid Len, with his smashed bottle men
Is lobbing Bob the Nob across the gob
With his kissar in a mess, Bob seems under stress
But Jones the Jug hits Len right in the mug
And Harold Demure, who's still not quite sure
Fires acorns from out of his sling
(Here come the cavalry!)

Up, up above the crowd
Inside their Silver Cloud, done proud
The bold and brazen brass, seen darkly through the glass
The butler's got jam on his Rolls; Roy doles out the lot
With tea from a silver pot just like any picnic

Along the Forest Road, it's the end of the day
And the Clouds roll away
Each has got its load - they'll come out for the count
At the break-in of day
When the limos return for their final review, it's all thru'
All they can see is the morning goo
There's no-one left alive - must be draw
So the Blackcap Barons toss a coin to settle the score