Getting Married Today

MERCEDES:
Bless this day,
Pinnacle of life,
Husband joined to wife.
The heart leaps up to behold
This golden day.

WILL:
- “Emma, I can’t find my shoes!”
Today is for Emma,
Emma, I give you the rest of my life,
To cherish and to keep you, to honor you forever.
Today is for Emma,
My happily soon-to-be wife.
- “Emma, we’re really getting married”

EMMA:
Pardon me, is everybody there? Because if everybody's there, I
want to thank you all for coming to the wedding, I'd appreciate
your going even more, I mean you must have lots of better things
to do, and not a word of this to Will, remember Will, you know,
the man I'm gonna marry, but I'm not, because I wouldn't ruin
anyone as wonderful as he is but I
Thank you all
For the gifts and the flowers,
Thank you all,
Now it's back to the showers,
Don't tell Will,
But I'm not getting married today.

MERCEDES:
Bless this day,
Tragedy of life,
Husband yoked to wife.
The heart sinks down and feels dead
This dreadful day.

WILL:
- “Emma, I can’t find my good cuff links”

EMMA:
- “They’re on the dresser! Right next to my suicide note…”
Listen, everybody, look, I don't know what you're waiting for,
a wedding, what's a wedding, it's a prehistoric ritual
where everybody promises fidelity forever, which is
maybe the most horrifying word I ever heard of, which is
followed by a honeymoon, where suddenly he'll realize he's
saddled with a nut, and wanna kill me, which he should
So thanks a bunch,
But I'm not getting married--
Go have lunch,
'Cause I'm not getting married--
You've been grand,
But I'm not getting married--
Don't just stand there,
I'm not getting married--
And don't tell Will,
But I'm not getting married today.

Go, can't you go?
Why is no-
Body listening?
Goodbye,
Go and cry
At another person's wake.
If you're quick,
For a kick,
You could pick
Up a christening,
But please,
On my knees,
There's a human life at stake!

Listen everybody, I'm afraid you didn't hear, or do you want to
see a crazy lady fall apart in front of you, it isn't only Will
who may be ruining his life, you know we'll both of us be losing
our identities, I telephoned my analyst about it and he said to
see him Monday, but by Monday I'll be floating in the Hudson with
the other garbage
I'm not well,
So I'm not getting married--
You've been swell,
But I'm not getting married--
Clear the hall,
'Cause I'm not getting married--
Thank you all,
But I'm not getting married--
And don't tell Will,
But I'm not getting married today.

MERCEDES:
Bless this bride,
Totally insane,
Slipping down the drain.
And bless this day in our hearts
As it starts
To rain.

WILL:
Today is for Emma,
Emma, I give you the rest of my life,
To cherish and to keep you, to honor you forever.
Today is for Emma,
My happily soon-to-be wife.
My adorable wife.

EMMA:
Go, can't you go?
Look, you know
I adore you all,
But why
Watch me die
Like Eliza on the ice?
Look, perhaps
I'll collapse
In the apse
Right before you all,
So take
Back the cake,
Burn the shoes and boil the rice.

Look, I didn't wanna have to tell you, but I may be coming
down with Hepatitis, and I think I'm gonna faint, so if
you wanna see me faint, I'll do it happily, but wouldn't
it be funnier to go and watch a funeral, so thank you for the
twenty-seven dinner plates,
thirty-seven butter knives,
forty-seven paperweights,
fifty-seven candleholders--

WILL:
One more thing--

EMMA:
I am not getting married!

CHOIR:
Amen!

WILL:
Softly said--

EMMA:
But I'm not getting married!

CHOIR:
Amen!

WILL:
With this ring--

EMMA:
Still I'm not getting married!

CHOIR:
Amen!

WILL:
I thee wed.

EMMA:
See, I'm not getting married!

CHOIR:
Amen!

WILL & EMMA:
Let us pray
That we are getting married
Today!

CHOIR:
AMEN!!!