(The Legend Of) Miss Baltimore Crabs

“(The Legend Of) Miss Baltimore Crabs” from the musical Hairspray is a satirical and biting commentary on the superficiality and cutthroat nature of beauty pageants and societal expectations. The song is performed by the character Velma Von Tussle, a former beauty queen who reminisces about her glory days as Miss Baltimore Crabs while simultaneously belittling the new generation of contestants. The lyrics are filled with a mix of nostalgia, arrogance, and a touch of bitterness, reflecting Velma's inability to move past her former fame.

The song opens with a lively dance sequence, setting the stage for Velma's grand entrance. She immediately begins to criticize the current state of the town and the contestants, lamenting how things have changed since her reign. Velma's disdain for the new generation is evident as she mocks their appearance and abilities, highlighting her belief that they will never measure up to her standards. This attitude is encapsulated in lines like “Oh, this town sure has gone downhill since I was crowned Miss Baltimore Crabs” and “This girl’s either blind or completely deranged.”

Velma's recounting of her own pageant days is filled with a mix of pride and ruthlessness. She boasts about her tricks and schemes to win, including sabotaging her competitors and impressing the judges with her talents. The song's humor and irony come through as Velma describes her over-the-top performances, such as belting out opera while performing acrobatics. Her advice to the contestants is laced with condescension, as she believes that her way is the only way to succeed. The song ultimately serves as a critique of the superficial values and harsh judgments that often accompany beauty standards and competitions.

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