(The Legend Of) Miss Baltimore Crabs

“(The Legend Of) Miss Baltimore Crabs” by Michelle Pfeiffer is a satirical and biting commentary on the superficiality and corruption often associated with beauty pageants. The song is performed by Velma Von Tussle, a former beauty queen who now runs a television station. Velma's character is a relic of a bygone era, clinging to her past glories and using them to maintain her social status and power.

The lyrics reveal Velma's ruthless ambition and the lengths she went to secure her title. She reminisces about her childhood dreams being shattered by Shirley Temple, a symbol of unattainable perfection. Velma's bitterness is palpable as she recounts how she manipulated the judges and outperformed her competitors with extravagant acts, such as belting high notes and performing a triple somersault. Her disdain for the other contestants, whom she mocks for padding their bras and spinning plates, underscores her belief in her own superiority.

The song also touches on themes of exclusion and prejudice. Velma's interrogation of Tracy, a new contestant, is laced with condescension and thinly veiled racism. When Tracy expresses her support for integration, Velma dismisses her, stating that such progressive ideas have no place in Baltimore. This moment highlights the entrenched social barriers and the resistance to change that characterized the era. Velma's final rejection of Tracy, based on her appearance and beliefs, serves as a stark reminder of the arbitrary and discriminatory nature of beauty standards.

Ultimately, “(The Legend Of) Miss Baltimore Crabs” is a critique of the beauty pageant industry and the societal values it perpetuates. Through Velma's character, the song exposes the dark underbelly of a world obsessed with appearance and status, where integrity and inclusivity are often sacrificed for the sake of winning a crown.