The Muppet Cypher

It's the Muppet Show Cypher, with our very special guest: Uh
Half of nerdcore!
(Ahem, I got a frog in my throat)
No sesame! This frog ain't one for the kids
Talk to Goggles and Croaker, it's water under the bridge
Coppers always act disturbed by Kermie coming up big
Every cuffing season I got trouble with pigs

I've been hip-hoppin' since my days in the swamp
Wavin' arms the way that Mr. Dawson taught me to talk
I keep Glocks for my TV spots
I got sausages and coffee pots and easy shots
I'm able to gloat, a fable till the day that I croak
Flow so cold, I'm happy I was made from a coat
You can take Manhattan! Take the whole damn scene!

I got a pad on every lake, it's kinda easy makin' green
Back up the forklift, unload the crate
Give a round of applause for Gonzo the Great
I know most folk don't want smoke today
But my flow's explosive, so bombs away!
All hail the Great Gonzo-rella!
Am I he? Am I she? Am I omnigender?
Check none of the above, love, I'm whatever!
Bock bock-bockerk-kerk! Come on Camilla!

Nobody's gonna be telling me what is and isn't canon
When my salary decrees, I make my livin' in a cannon
And I have for zotons, Gonzo's the boss hog
Was lost, but don't wanna go home to Oznog
You can leave it to me to put the rat in the race
I'm in it for the cheese like I'm trapped in a maze
Got anything to eat? I'll be snackin' all day
Who took my jelly beans?! Oh, I stashed them away

Don't look to Rizzo for a rat that is brave
But I know slapstick like a smack in the face
Always comin' up with somthing sarcastic to say
Any kind of fourth wall, I will happily break
Cause me and Gonzo know how to handle stories
But don't look down, I can't handle stories!
Despite my massive fear of heights
Nothing'll come between me and my appetite

Scoot over! This Muppet's here to show the ropes (Whoa)
My uncle runs the theater, but I stole the show (Whoa)
While not quite the puppeteer, I am the gofer, so (Wow)
When it's time to bust some lyrics, then I gofer flow (Wow)
Got a load of roles that I'm supposed to manage
Want some toast to go? You got it!
Want some cocoa? Bro, you'll have it!

Want a fabric that's rappin' so rapid as if it's fast fashion
I'm jackin' this track up with the flashy green track jacket
Ask how I rep that swell drip, I'm selfless
I could fill a well big clipboard with felt tips
Tech boss and I like computers
But no desktop has a drive like scooters
Lemme get the crowd warmed up till they hem and they haw
Think it's all dried up? I could get a guffaw
Can't nobody rope the dope, I flow control and I host the show
till they know fo sho I got jokes, yo
Ay, what do they call a bear who pulls jokes on folks that get old?

Unbearable (Unbearable, haha!)
The show goes on, yeah, I'm just sayin'
I won't stop till we're all famous
Ya, da, da, da, da-da dah! Hah!
You know what?
What?
Whenever I hear Fozzie Bear, my first thought is always McGwire
Yeah! McWhy're we still listening?

We're Muppet Labs, and we came to say
This is where the future's being made today!
Oh dear, you can hear that my rhymes are rather tragic
That's precisely why we've built the Muppet Labs rap-O-Matic
One flip of a switch and I'll be spitting completely
Meep meep mee mee mee mo
Meep meep meep mee mee mee mee mee!
The risk of a glitch? Don't be ridiculous Beakie!

Hm, bit of a hitch, seems it is overheating
Beakie, did you forget to check the lexical accelerator?
As you can see, my assonant speed is fast as can-
Beakie, check the breaker!
Twiddle the knobs, rip out a cog
Hit the lyrical clock with a brick or a rock!
Now my hippity-hop is the tippety-top
But I think we should stop and be switching it off!
Oh! Oh, Beakie, you broke it!
Mee?

That will be coming out of your paycheck
Meep meep mee mee mee mo, mo
Smoke kief with the show's chief, I'm the brainstem
Most peeps don't got soul beats payin' their bills
Tones deep through my nose, breathin' the mayhem
Cold beast with the gold teeth, call me Bear Grylls
Organ got them pipes, and I got the piece ready
Turned cathedrals to theaters, and left the seats sweaty
You ain't never getting bored when I slam the keys heavy

Yeah, the call me doctor 'cause I keep the beat steady
I ain't one for G major, skippin' over the beat break
Improvise what my sheets say, flippin' into a key change
I'm countin' all my dough while they're jammin' to my cheesecake
Gold records sold as my legacy gets replayed!
That mad mutt Muppet, you must muffle and muzzle him
Flow is so dirty, there's much mud and muck muddled in
Tatty and unkempt, so actually the main G
Couldn't tame me with a chain leash or lame treats
Take a big pause (Arf! Arf! Arf!)

Like a St. Bernard stompin'
The kennels goin' off, even got Churchill noddin'
While there's a frog in your throat, it's like Kermit's coughin'
I'm a Great Dane, your mundane, it's done, mate
Underdog's winnin' this eight ways to Sunday
Lookin' all puzzled like the throw was faked
You better chuck us a bone, or we can do this the ruff way
Yeah, let me kick it back a couple decades and be frank for a sec'
I'm the baddest beast to bring a beat and bang on a set
Who's the maddest of the band? I think you'll hazard a guess
Rappers jealous of the fattest chain that hangs 'round my neck
Uh, sanity ain't pals with me, it hangs by a thread
No sticks? No problem, I'm just bangin' my head! (Okay!)

Yeah, ask around, I'm the man they fear
Skirt chasin' vermin, y'all should get the women outta here
D.R.you.M. say the word and I might appear
Bang ba-bang ba-bang-bang! Onomatopoeia!
Eclectic playin', electric mayhem!
You need another banger? Aight bet, just say when!
You know Shwabadi calls himself the "Were-bear" ?
He does?
Yeah! Because listening to him wears you down!
And I can't bear it!

Oh, it's the pig
Make way for moi! Everywhere I go, I leave you in awe
Yeah, I'm the pink diva with the mean chutzpah
High class, en masse, hold the hem and haw
Refined, devine, beg your pardón?
You upstage me?! Hiii yah!
Some say I'm way too much, but I say they're not enough!
When I make a scene, I'm gettin' that green
And I ain't just talkin' bucks
Au revoir mon cher! My time is up!
(W-wait, that's all I get?!)
Hrmph! Look at all this nonsense around me
The lack of decency and integrity is astounding! (My word!)
This cypher has gotten out of control
These misfit degenerate freaks have got to go (Yes)

We needed some American rappers on the stage
We should've called Iggy Azalea, maybe Drake
So proud! So majestic
You should know I am not the birdie to mess with
Mr. Kermit, here's a suggestion
Perhaps don't add buffoonery in the next bit?!
A bunch of weirdos and nerdies
It's hard to soar with eagles when you work with turkeys
(Yeah) Okay? Now listen what I gotta say
Watch me tippy-toe on stage as I do ballet
The shellfish with the drip and the ice
Dwayne Swanosn look-alike, you won't believe that this prawn actually fried your rice
Okay? I'm a prawn, not a shrimp
I'm a player, not a simp
I got married and got kids
The martial artist himself, Goro in disguise
Master of tae-prawn-do, catch you by surprise
Okay? Now prawn-to as I finish this up
The angel in the heart, the Muppen that will make you laugh
Dios mio! Where's my manners? I forgot to say
I'm Pepe the King Prawn! Okay?!
A fish is a normal fish if it lives and it swims in a pond or crick
And it doesn't exist as a fried dish served with chips
And it's also not a boomerang fish
Flying fishy boomerang!
I'm sardine to wreak haddick, but salmon's gotta do it (That's terrible)

Tilapia be the dude, throw a fish around the room
But barramundi when I do, it's coming right back to you
Time to make way for one flavorsome Scandinavian
Toss your pots across the shot and get your aprons
Handy Scandi antipasti vigilante in the pantry
Flambéed Ramsay in a van and sent him packin' with some Gaviscon

I used to trust a Blunderbuss when huntin' for the chicken
But they sent me a Beretta when Jim Henson left the kitchen
Disobedient ingredients really need to quit their bitchin'
Felt is mighty high in fibre, and my fritter finger's itchin'!
He doesn't carrot all, he won't lettuce get away
This caper won't re-lentil he gets his five a day
And if this is the endive shallot I wanna say
Swede beet-ing up the celerysn't worth the measly pay
(I don't wanna daikon!)

Tell me, who's gonna listen to a talking gourd?
Check my lingo when the lingonberry sauce gets poured
If you're in a pickle fixin' up a smorgasbord
Well, the bestest recipes all have a bark bark bark
Say, that's the end of the cypher! Why didn't we get a verse?!
A verse? I'm averse to makin' this thing any longer!
This was a terrible idea
That's it
Good grief