Caos Interno

How many times have you felt divided?
Divided between dreams and fears
Between certainties and doubts
Between conquering the world or giving up everything

I'm in the darkness of this night living in war
Being attacked by thoughts
That never stop, that don't let me
Even trying, living making mistakes
Always self-sabotaging

I see my accomplishments, they seem easy
And ordinary
My tiredness seems like nothing
My mind doesn't give me a break
Always triggering more doubts
And dilemmas in my face

I think
You haven't changed at all and time has passed
All this effort were wasted nights
I can see in your eyes how tired you are
Of making an effort, of trying not to see results
And every new thought leading to hatred
Seeing no way out, wanting to give up
Feeling powerless, incompetent
Feeling sorry for yourself
And wishing for the end of the world for everything to end

But something here tells me, I remember this phrase
I can change my actions, change myself entirely
I don't change my beginning, but I make my ending
This ending that will tell the life of a warrior
Who won wars in silence looking at the wall
When he swore to change his life and be so persistent
That the world wouldn't have a choice
Because every page of my story
Will tell how resilient it is

This will shall be true
When I say that what I believe
Has become actions
In this city of anxiety
Every new day life creates more obligations
I live in an internal civil war
Every desire fighting to command me
Two choices
My thoughts are like wolves
Fighting to the death
The one that feeds will win

And when I feel tired my worst calls me
My best seems insufficient and will never be enough
I feel half of my body depressed and weak
The other half will fight to always remind me
That when I feel tired I overcome my limits
My best keeps me alive and closer to the podium
My conflicting thoughts live in this chaos
My fuel is anger, I fight on the basis of hatred

At the window watching the clouds
Thinking about this life listening to Eminem
When I feel suffocated I disappear out of nowhere
I don't want to see anyone
So many paths ahead
Focus on the life that deserves to be lived
Or give up everything, disappear from the world
In the downfall become one more on the list
One more suicide
And when I try
When I overcome my limits I feel like a rhinoceros

The thick skin are certainties I carry
They protect me from getting hurt
The negative thoughts
Like storms coming from the horizon
Plenty of conviction becomes my shelter
The end of the world won't shake me
But when I hide and when I fail
I feel angry

Disappointed with myself, always ashamed
When I run from problems I tell myself
There's no point in dreaming if you don't deserve the dream
And if I get up it's another day in Russian roulette
Sometimes good, sometimes bad
Sometimes laughter, in good humor
Sometimes getting out of bed
Is heavier and more tiring than usual

Does anyone have thoughts like mine?
Does anyone also live in this dualism?
Has anyone opened their eyes, felt tired?
Does anyone also feel on the edge of an abyss?
Does anyone also resort to music that makes
Their mind quiet and strength come to the surface
I feel sudden anger when Numb plays
Eye of the tiger, I'm Balboa another week
I didn't make the rules, but I'm playing this game
Skills don't change unless I train
My battles don't end unless I win
Every second persisting makes a difference
I almost declare insanity in the middle of the night
The feeling of despair weighing on my chest
Until everything I dreamed of becomes reality
My biography will be of someone who found a way
Until my body gives up I do my part
When I overcome my limits I'm on Everest
Every problem so far below that I see nothing
My thoughts telling me I passed the test
Wondering why being happy is so difficult
Maybe because what's easy few value
But each new phase becomes so complicated
It will hurt even those who made friends with pain
I've never been one to talk much, I'm one to solve
I've never been one to talk about my conflicts
I've always avoided sharing
Avoid saying what will make this world a little more distressed
When I sense my worst, like brown bears
Hibernation to rest, sleep is my shelter
The calm rain takes the dilemmas away
And my logical part shouting and telling me I can
And when I wake up I feel I can do everything
When I make an effort I feel indestructible
When I improve my fears fear my strength
And when I insist my dream will be fuel
When I lie down I'm proud of everything I did
Victorious, every achievement is my treasure
Determined, I do what needs to be done
Inevitable, conviction worth gold
And when I feel tired my worst calls me
My best seems insufficient and will never be enough
I feel half of my body depressed and weak
The other half will fight to always remind me
That when I feel tired I overcome my limits
My best keeps me alive and closer to the podium
My conflicting thoughts live in this chaos
My fuel is anger, I fight on the basis of hatred