Die Bürgschaft

I wake up. And I feel pretty queasy.
No wonder, 'cause yesterday I was, as much as I remember, shitfaced.
But how it came to that, I don't remember so well.
And above all, who the hell is this woman anyway?

I'm terribly forgetful,
because I have a bad memory...

Where am I anyway? What kind of room is this?
Maybe this is all just a bad dream.
But hardly, 'cause I realize:
There's only one dreaming here. The woman next to me.

And while I ponder what to do now,
the doorbell rings, she wakes up suddenly
and says: 'Hide! Quick!
That's my boyfriend Daniel!'

Oh crap! Her dude! I better hit the road!
If he finds me here, it'll surely be a bloodbath!
I climb out of bed, pretty quick despite the hangover.
But as I do that, I realize: I'm butt naked!
Doesn't matter, I gotta go! I need a hiding spot!

But where should I go, like this?
In the closet! At least there are clothes in there.
But unfortunately, I'm way too big for the closet.
What should I do, man?! What the hell do I do?!
I got it: I'll hide under the bed! Ha! Good idea!

I lie shivering under the bed and start to pray.
I already see his legs entering the room.
He quickly approaches me.
And ten centimeters separate me from his shoe.
He sticks his head under the bed and spots me.

What the hell am I doing under the bed,
he wants to know, and I answer nicely:
I say: 'Uh, you see, the thing is:
I'm from the IRS.

I'm inspecting the TV connection socket,
which happens to be right here,' I stutter.
He holds his belly laughing:
'IRS?', he says. He happens to be one too.

But unfortunately, he then
doesn't quite believe
that I'm really there.
'Cause for an IRS guy,
I'm damn near naked.

And besides, the headquarters would never send two
to the same apartment.
So he suspects I'm
probably here for other reasons.

'Hehe, if I were your friend, you'd be in deep trouble,
right?', he says and laughs.
'Well, you got lucky this time,
buddy! By the way, I'm Kalle.'

I'm about to introduce myself to him,
when I hear the doorbell ring again.
The woman rushes in and whispers: 'Quick!
This time it's really Daniel!'

Great! Fantastic! That was to be expected!
I beg Kalle not to rat me out!
'I got this!', Kalle reassures me.
'All for one, one for all!
You stay put in your hiding spot, and don't move a muscle!'
I say: 'No, it's okay!'

Then Daniel comes through the door, turns into a beast
and yells: 'Who are you?! What are you doing here?!'
Kalle stands there with a poker face
and answers cool and truthfully,
he's an inspector from the IRS.

Daniel yells: 'They all say that!'
'Here's my ID,' says Kalle.
But that doesn't seem to interest Daniel,
because he first punches poor Kalle in the face,
knocking him down because of the shock.

Now he starts to strangle Kalle!
Oh my god! I have to somehow
help him! But how?!
Well, doesn't matter! Now or never!
I gather my courage and climb out of my hiding spot.

He hasn't spotted me yet.
I do something that really scares him:
I stand there, stark naked,
behind him and shout:
'Me Daniel, strangle me!
I am the one he vouched for!'

When he hears that, he actually
stops strangling Kalle.
He looks around, notices me,
completely stunned.
Only his jaw
drops a whole lot lower.

Kalle, on the other hand, finds this very convenient,
because now he can move again.
He doesn't hesitate, the anxious tyrant
gets a good smack on the cheek.
Now Daniel's jaw
is a whole lot more crooked.

He staggers and bangs his head hard
against the nearby TV set.
Like moths around a streetlight,
stars circle his forehead.
The TV and especially
its owner are out of commission.

Epilogue:

'Well, you're lucky, Mr. Daniel. This
device is actually not registered!'
'Kalle! How are you, man? Everything okay?'
'Yeah, well, so-so, right?

'Why did you do that?'
Kalle asks me.
And I say: 'Well, I just thought:
All for one, one for all, right?'

He hugs me
and I hug him back.
So we stand there, without shame,
and cry.

Daniel watches the two of us
And before he faints,
he says: 'I request
to be granted the favor,
to be the third in your bond.'

And the moral of this song:
If you're standing with your dick out
in front of a sick killer, then
don't act tough!
Quote Schiller instead!