Mi Dispiace

Mom, I dreamt that you knocked on my door
And a bit lost, you took off your glasses
But to see me better and for the first time
I felt that you felt that we are not the same

And hugging me, you were amazed
That I was so sad and couldn't find peace
How long had it been since I hugged you
And in that silence, I softly said: I'm sorry

But that noise was enough to wake me up
To make me cry and make me go back
To my childhood, to all those lost days
Where in summer the sky turned into the sea

And with my old dolls, I listened
To the fairy tales you told in a low voice
And when I fell asleep in your arms
Without yet knowing I was happy

But at sixteen, I had changed
And as I truly was, I saw myself now
And suddenly I felt alone and desperate
Because I was no longer the daughter I wanted to be

And there ended our closeness
That little talk that was a great help
I hid in a cold impatience
And you must have regretted the child you never had

I spent all my time away from home
I couldn't stand your preaching at all
And I started to become jealous
Because you were grown, unattainable, and more beautiful

So I gave myself to a passing dream
I threw my heart into the sea in a bottle
And lost my memory lacking courage
Because I was ashamed of being your daughter

But you didn't knock on my door and in vain
I had a dream I can't make come true
Because my mind is too full of my nothingness
Because pride doesn't want to forgive me

Then if you knocked on my door for real
I wouldn't even be able to say a word
You would speak to me with your somewhat stern look
And I would feel lonely again

So I wrote you this confused letter
To find at least some peace within me
And not to ask for forgiveness too late
But to be able to tell you: Mom, I'm sorry

It's no longer true that I'm ashamed of myself
And my soul, I feel, resembles you
I will patiently wait for another dream
I love you mom, write to me, your daughter