Carta Nº 1

My name is Carlos Augusto Migliaccio, also
Known as Migli, a nickname my mother gave me
I was born in Brasília, Sobradinho on March 28, 1996
I had the childhood that any boy from the lower middle class
Of the late 90s could have
Except for one difference
I never had friends
Throughout my life, I never managed to have friends
Opening up, talking, for me was impossible
I could tell you every detail of my life
To you, every tear, every cry, every disappointment
But I will focus on four moments, four
Events that led me here
Rock bottom
This is letter no. 1

I always observed others
I liked to watch more than participate
I thought I was crazy
Had difficulties in socializing, finding myself
I didn't like the topics, I didn't see myself in others
In general, I was extroverted at school
Saw people playing, running, always having fun
I really wanted to be part of it
But I didn't know how
I always had a block in making friends
Had difficulties expressing what I thought
Acting naturally, making jokes
I always stayed vigilant with my behavior
I rarely got up from my chair
Felt like a cornered animal in the room
One of those who are afraid but don't speak
I remember the pain of always being the joke
From the popular boy for the pretty girl to laugh
The teacher would say
Relax, just kidding
Everyone is friends so don't stress

If everyone is a friend as they say
Why do they treat me like something worthless?
Why does the teenager have to be so tribal
Use violence to feel bigger
I lost count of how many times I was beaten
For the boys in the class to feel a little better about their ego
From fourth grade to eighth grade
I always wondered if I had some disease
Because I spent less time
Talking to people my age
Than reflecting inside my head
Felt like no one cared about my presence
They only talked about me when it was time for a joke
The worst part wasn't even the laughter
It was when that passed, and indifference returned
At home, the atmosphere was always tense
My mother cleaned, cooked, and worked excessively
My father was a difficult man
Either stressed at work or drunk in recess
I had no friends, couldn't talk to my parents
This fueled my agony

Surrounded by people yet feeling alone
I swear loneliness is a terrible company
I remember that day, March 28, 2009
My thirteenth birthday
I invited everyone from my class
My father bought soda, and my mother bought snacks
Scheduled for two in the afternoon
My mother rented tables, chairs, and I was apprehensive
What I feared the most happened
Time passed, it got dark, and no one came
I remember crying alone in my room
Asking my mother what I had done wrong
I never mistreated anyone in my life
Why is it that every chance they have they always mistreat me?

I spent the whole day trying to understand
What others do that I have to do
What others know that I have to learn
Why can't I be like you?
I watched a superhero movie on TV
And I realized I was a superhero
And you know what hurts?
Accepting that invisibility was the worst superpower
When the crying stopped, I felt empty
As if I were no longer alive
It agonized me
I just wanted to feel anything that brought relief
I sat on the floor of the room, took off my shirt
Laid on the cold floor, tried to feel the breeze
Suddenly my lungs felt small
I have no oxygen, what's happening to my life
My hand sweating, my heart pounding
My eyes watering, my legs trembling
The body with disgust, a feeling of dizziness
My mind in torture, I thought I was dying
I reached the bathroom of my parents
I felt nothing, and at the same time felt everything
I sat, prayed, but God was too busy
After all, I'm not normal like everyone else
In the midst of despair already without thought I looked at the bathroom sink
Saw a used razor blade, didn't reason
I was without discernment
Stopped and just focused on the beautiful shine of the silver blade
Something told me that there was my way out
I pressed the blade sideways on the sweaty skin
Pressed until the pain drove away my apathy

And I saw joyous redness flow down the sink
I saw accumulated agony flow down the sink
I saw the loneliness of my classroom flow down the sink
I saw what the students said flow down the sink
I saw everything I was running from go down the drain
It wasn't even a deep cut
But the feeling is abyssal
My body felt pain
I forgot that my mind was unwell

At that moment I found my first passion
Cutting myself was something impossible to decipher
While it hurt me, it healed me
The rest of the year 2009 was like this
I remained excluded at school
The only person I talked to was my mother
I didn't have the courage to tell her I was cutting myself
Damn spoiled kids, used my suffering
To feed their egos, and I paid the whole bill, alone
I still wonder what would become of me if schools
Talked about Bullying, if parents educated their children
Not to judge differences, if society spoke
About self-harm?
Well, maybe I wouldn't find myself here