dear diary.

Saturday, August 3, 2024

Dear Diary

I don't sing, I don't know how to sing, I'm not a singer, this is not a song
It is simply externalizing, like the Spoken Word
It has no chorus or refrain, it has nothing
It's just to vent my poisoned mind

Here drinking mate, alone at home, here with my sadness
Watching TV quietly locked in my room
As I said in Soledad, with my neon and LED lights
Here with Terry, play to the mic, autotune on my net and it was

If my music bores you, well change it
What do you want me to tell you, cat?
I don't write for fools, I don't record for money and fame
That's no use to me, dude

That's not what I want, I already told you that if I become popular
My words should control
But instead, since I'm from below and I'm a marginal
I am free to speak, they will not censor me

I'm not going to go on stage, there's not going to be a recital
Don't give your opinion or talk to me, don't come to criticize
Leave the one who is still alone, I am calm, I am chill
Don't look at me, don't break my balls

They are cruel bastards and I am real, or logical
Transparent and sincere
I tell you the truth, I show my anger
And I always tell you what I feel

My parents are already old, my old lady is in her last years
Already lost and sick
And I don't see a good future in my life, everything is hanging on one
Fine rope

Shoot myself in the head, die young or commit suicide by hanging myself behind bars
Asking for coins dirty on the street sleeping covered with cardboard on the sidewalk

While I am grateful that God made me escape from many, he saved me
I can't tell you so as not to stir up fools, but there are witnesses who were surprised
That I got away with it, that it turned out really well and that nothing happened to me
So you can see how special I am, a good luck charm is what I am

Maybe I don't want to mature or work because I still want to be a child
Look, life is a pain, or death. People who deliberately lie
Most of all, because it's like I see that the system and everything are wrong
Over there, those who are happy are those who have money or the normal people who are really stupid

When I was in a coma and couldn't see or walk, lying there
I wanted to relax and die
But he immediately said: No, kid! I can't end up like this

I have to get up, I still have to beat the shit out of a couple
I already told you that I don't let things go
I have to unload and that's what my enemies are for

It's like when they are children and teenagers they are themselves and then they change
Maybe he was a humble kid and then he became a soldier and became treacherous, I don't know how to explain it
They get into the movie, they eat the movie, they become really bad
Or maybe they didn't change, but over time, their true face showed

Instead of being like me and like many good people
That I know, that are real, are as always
They don't screw up, they don't betray, we don't change, they don't have a problem

But others are really damned, maybe you really helped him from the heart and then
They go with your anger, they join your enemies and come to beat you laughing

After everything I did for you, you do this to me
And they laugh and look at you from afar
They make fun of you and you are really surprised
While they are partying with your enemies

How are they going to do that? I'm left wondering. Don't they feel like they're already doomed?
What if everything happens to them and Jehovah gives me the opportunity to cross them on the street?

I'm going to face them, dude, I can't leave things like this
Verse 4 of chapter 24 of the 1st book of Samuel
And when I crown the celebration, I thank the happy heaven because God acts
Because it is always a reason for joy when I apply it to one of my grudges

A couple of people told me at school that I was going to do like the song Voices Within Me
Dear Imaginary Friend, as well as Porta's theme with Santaflow
It's like in elementary school when a kid would grab me by the knees, I would get tired and attack him
And then they would challenge me and tell my old man that when they bother me, I don't have to do anything

Or they told him that I have to tell the teacher (haha) he was so gay
How am I going to tell him? Later on the street, when I'm alone, they'd hit me more for being a button
I have to take revenge alone, ruin them, go dark, ask God for all his help
It is clear that the lady does not know what the kids are like, what the codes are like

That's not how life is. How am I going to hide behind the teacher's skirt?
Or from my parents or from the police or how am I going to hide behind whatever?
Really worthless, really worthless, I have to bite the bullet and go and face it myself (Alone)
Hiding brings illness to mind, I have to learn to be brave and face the bad guys

If I hurt a treacherous fool it is because he made fun of me and hurt me first
My pain opens, my mind closes, they start it and I continue the war
I'm not going to name my enemies because they are tools, puppets but this
It is with me, with God, with Jesus, the Holy Spirit, the Bible and the Kingdom of God

I'm going to download and nothing will happen to me, because God takes care of me and changes reality
God always protected me and helped me save myself and make those who hurt me pay for it
Let me torture them a little so I can get my anger out, that's fair, I'm satisfied with that
Calm, relaxed, and then God gives me things and he starts taking away their possessions

Because, in general, those who attack me are chetos, with status and have a lot of money
Or maybe they are poor thugs but they have muscle, they have strength, they are healthy, and they are just as rats
Whatever they enjoy, that characteristic, God takes it from them
I am the straw that breaks the camel's back for the wicked, they mess with me and their lives change

I still have nothing, no money, no job, nothing like I told you in a topic I posted
No health, I have to take care of myself and inject myself every fucking day so I don't die
I was always weak and malnourished, but even before I was healthy
And now God has taken away my healing, I was so used to it

Or I allowed the devil to take it from me, that's why I'm angry with God today
But hey, I asked Jesus for a couple of things these days and he did give them to me
I hate death, that crap takes everything from you, loved ones, health and since childhood
He brings me dogs, I miss Tomy and Luna, today I only have Territo left

Sometimes I want to cry but my eyebrows get angry and my eyes look down and I don't cry
My character does not let me cry, I show my teeth, I turn pain into hate
I don't pay attention, even if they torture me or tie me up, I'm not going to change, don't bother
Those psychologists, stop analyzing me, stop advising me, I'm not going to listen to anyone

I see so many cases of powerful people abusing poor and humble people
As I told you in the Enemies topic, soldiers and politicians too, all idiots
When I am here in the darkness, in solitude, between these cold walls
I only think about what I have left to do, what I am and what I want to achieve with my life

I think, how are they going to want to be stupid soldiers? I wouldn't be someone in power even if I had to fight
That emotion of being from below, humble bro, looking at the sky. Why don't they want to be like that?
I don't understand, it's good to be fragile, broken and good-hearted
And why do they feel like screwing up, cheating, stealing and being crazy for no reason?

Being violent and all that stuff, they want to lose everything and suffer
Misfortunes, tragedies, misery to their families, they alone bring it upon themselves
It's like Uncle Iroh says, remember: It's time for you to look inside yourself and start
To ask yourself these two big questions: Who are you? And what do you want?

Did you see all that power? Well, I represent the opposite
I am not a bad boy, I am a black boy, poor and weak, a protector, a companion
I'm not strong, but I have values, I have tact and I have something supernatural
What is God, those are some of the things that I see that I have in general

But then I don't know why I can't see myself the way others see me
But I think I'm not good because I did a couple of bad things, like doing drugs a couple of times and smoking

To break a gang, to have irons, that were not mine but they lent me to screw around
Things that my mind told me were wrong, but I accepted them to get into the world and to know

Thanks to that I got to know the street, the town, how the night moves and the mafia
And now I can identify people who are into weird things
I don't judge, I don't get involved in other people's lives, I don't clip anyone's wings
I am not a prosecutor, nor a judge, do what you want but don't tell me anything

It's cool to know some bad things so as not to be a fool, to be a good man
And some of my enemies don't know that, that's why they are not serious, they laugh, they don't know that
They are playing with the grave, they do not know what will happen to them in a few years, they do not see their defeat
Some of them only know the street now because their mother recently stopped hitting them with the flip-flop

And they use the street to harm others, they think they are wise, they think they are gangsters
And they are really stupid, they are not like me who has respect and knows when something is dangerous
Since I was little I was poor, I sold copper and scavenged in the village
I went through everything, that's why I'm serious and I know the consequences because I have wisdom

And I already know that I am strange, dark, a monster, fragile, ugly, mutant
But I'm better than them because I help, I get involved, I save everyone and they are tall cowards
I feel indignant about injustice, I feel helpless, I feel a lot of empathy
I don't stand still in the presence of evil, like Alita vs. Grewishka

I know what I want is madness, I can't resurrect my dogs or loved ones
But I would like to heal myself, even if it is impossible and wishing for it is pointless
But I want it anyway because I believe in miracles, I believe in God, I believe in the supernatural
And I want some money to buy a few things and just to support myself

Defeat all my enemies too, even though I already have many under my feet
As a song by All For Love says, but I still have a few more to overcome
And about love, I'm already old and sick, I don't know if I'll ever meet her
I don't think I'll find what I'm looking for, but oh well, I don't know
Bye

Sincerely
Gaby