Défaite de Famille

Hey, the rapper of the family, how about a little rap?
Come on, a song!
Aurélien, a song! Aurélien, a song! Aurélien, a song!
Alright

Since we're all gathered here, to sing The Midnight Demons
Eating duck mousse on blinis, dancing under Gifi's strobe lights
I’ve prepared a little speech, 'cause I gotta confess a little detail about my life
I hate family gatherings, wooh

First off, the nights where I know I won’t get laid, I’ve had too many in high school
I’ve thought about my cousins, risking it for a chance
But when I see Delphine’s face, who’s useless except for complaining
I get why her drunk boyfriend prefers dancing with the dog
If I’m over thirty and still sitting at the kids' table
It’s to warn them to watch out for Christian when he’s had a drink
And because I can’t stand hearing the parents’ dirty jokes
I think Dad would screw Mom on the table if you found that funny

Vincent, you’re the same age as me, why do you still seem older?
If you’re not afraid of the void, look Murielle in the eyes
Sorry, but I spent the afternoon blowing up balloons
In a military setup imposed by Dad
While my brother-in-law passionately recited political clichés
Watching me carry boxes while he’s groping my sister every three seconds
There’s just enough cups for everyone, you gotta write your names
'Cause Auntie’s the kind of bitch who washes the paper plates

Uncle, if you keep doing that: Yo, yo with your fingers
Every time you walk by me, you’ll use them for the last time
I still hold a grudge for when I was little and you shook me like a whore
If you cared about your retros, why’d you park behind the goal?
Speaking of whores, I’d like to welcome Bruno’s new wife
If Caro’s not listening to me anymore, it’s 'cause she’s cooking up her next gossip
Forgive her, she wouldn’t be like this if her husband wasn’t cheating
Or maybe he’s cheating 'cause she’s like this, mmh I don’t know

Message to all my distant cousins: Let’s stop pretending to be buddy-buddy
'Cause an ancestor, we don’t even know who, is the only thing we have in common
A fucking ancestor who must’ve burned villages and looted houses
About the same time Grandpa was banging Joan of Arc
By the way, Grandpa, tell us the time you were nine and killed Hitler
You were never a hero, you weren’t even a good liar
My hero was you, Nico
But since you got with that other dumb hot chick
You’re just a real loser like the rest
Thanks Arnaud for coming to take a picture for your social media
Enjoying being with some working-class folks to play the hipster even more
Polo, if you want to impress me, it’s not by rolling complicated joints
Using way too much 'wesh' for a little blonde guy
Since your dad has a problem with Arabs, it’s a beautiful irony
By the way, he’s less likely to die from terrorism than from alcoholism
I hope Auntie will keep an eye on the kids
'Cause her husband’s coming home on the radar like he’s got a self-driving car

I had more to say, but when I see your bloated faces
I can only wonder if there are enough pigs on Earth to feed you
I’d like to end by saying that no matter the smiles, the village party
It only took a little inheritance for us to see your true faces

Grandma, I love you, see you next year