Por Si Acaso

Nothing will be the same again
Without that hug of yours on the couch
It's not a Sunday afternoon
The days go by but I can barely distinguish them
What would my grandfather say if he thought I was giving up?

It's getting harder for me to stay afloat and I don't care
That it's never obvious that I'm broken
I didn't see you walk away because of my nearsighted heart
And now I only have you in a photo

Sometimes I wanted to die and couldn't do it
No matter how much I let myself be defeated, I always thought of mom
There was so much left to come and it stopped hurting
And right there I met you, you know how it ends

I still believe that loving you saved my life
How much I enjoyed heaven in a free-fall love flight
We touch the ground and even though the journey ends
It will never change that you will be my favorite wound

And I, who felt like a craftsman, but you made me an artist
Combining with your lips every magazine-worthy kiss
You'll see me counting visits if mom keeps working
Because I don't plan on stopping until I give her a little house

And the visit I counted is the one I didn't make to my grandma
The sea didn't see anything more infinite
We live on tiptoes while everything withers
What good was that fire to us if time was dynamite?

Today will be the day I forgive myself
Feeling lonely sometimes, without seeing that I had the best by my side
I grew up watching dad paint the gray in a thousand colors
And until the day they're gone, I won't lack reasons

Extra years to take things less seriously
Destiny keeps doing its job
I didn't want to take that 'maybe' to the cemetery

And living on the edge, I planted a kiss just in case
Because I know learning from all my mistakes
It's going to hurt, I know, but don't get it wrong
I'm not going to settle and see
That all the time is over
Because it's not over yet

It's been a long time since I could sleep
Anxiety calls to my room and enters without warning
I've been three years without stepping into that dark garden
Where you fell asleep forever, dad

And I tried to deceive myself to change the subject
Stopped counting sheep to count my early morning problems
My window already smells like mint
Waiting for the moon smoking joints with my sorrows

Dieguito, how are you?
Have you heard around
That mom is proud, more than I am of myself
Sunday tried to change, on Monday I want to die
To get to know myself again and for you to notice me

And tell me: who puts the stone in my way?
I can't stand myself when I only curse myself
What good is it to rob a bank, empty the casino?
If I can't pay the damn time to be with you

And what a luxury of sorrow, I'm not talking about zeros
If there's no pill to stop missing you
I fall in love every moment and end up more broken each time
I touched the sky of your mouth but without taking flight

And if I die, don't cry for me, put 2 ice cubes
I have plenty of things to tell dad and grandpa
I'll sleep in a corner of a suite overlooking the sky
And if I want to fly high with a vertigo of fear

I can't take responsibility for my bad decisions anymore
And I regret, knowing the worst of my versions
I collect some hidden kisses in the drawers
And a list of great songs from the sound of your heels

I went blind on the avenue of failure
How can I be the same as always? If I'm missing a thousand pieces
Everything that happens to me would be healed by a hug
But smoking, I'll wait for you in another life just in case

Because I know learning from all my mistakes
It's going to hurt, I know, but don't get it wrong
I'm not going to settle and see
That all the time is over
Because it's not over yet