Un Regalo al mundo que nunca será suyo

I recognize that with so much fear I have never composed
I don't know with what verb to start or finish writing this
I fear not doing justice to my life and sinning hastily
But what do I do when the need prompts the text?

Without realizing it, I have already done it, I'm a fool
And now I give the world something that will never be theirs
I'm going to show them the plans of the castle I build
But this palace is mine, as mine as my pride

I have traveled through hell to get where I am
But what do one-eyed people who only see today know?
I don't care about getting lost, because I don't know where I'm going
But I know perfectly well what I have been and what I am

And tomorrow, who will I be? I don't know and I don't care
Life is too short to make assumptions
Because the line that divides two opposites is as thin
As the distance between a saint and a murderer

Today I know that color is the most vulgar nonsense
That blood is blood only because it doesn't taste like wine
That there is no worse fate than assuming a destiny
Because the biggest bets are not placed in casinos

Life is transitory, it spins more than a ferris wheel
And today I write with the glory of someone who knows they have made history
These letters that penetrate so deeply into memory
That leave those who hate me with euphoria as scum

And after so many years in the struggle
It seems that the ear of fortune is listening to me
That I have transmuted the infinite into a streak
And I have decapitated the executioner with his own axe

Tell me now who will stop me
Who will whip me with their rod
Who will shoot and who will protect me
If I don't believe in crosses, but neither in faces

My life began in the autumn of '96
And ended long before 16
My speech was precocious, but it didn't last long
When time cut it with its scythe

Too small to understand what was happening
Everything continued its course, but I didn't fit in
I suffered bullying from an early age
And the world shrank to a room with a window

Time stopped passing as I thought
And the Earth began to spin as it had never done before
The years passed quickly, and what I felt
Remained so alive in me that it still whispers to me

And I knew that what the believer thought was true
Although only in one aspect, since in the rest it lies
That hell exists and indeed, it is not so different
But it is right here, and it's not hot at all

And I thought I was a coward when I was just incoherent
Because far from danger, anyone thinks they are brave
I did what I could even though I couldn't with my mind
But don't act fierce, they haven't seen my teeth yet

Around 12, the bullying diminished
And it was the only thing that left and didn't stay
I wanted to adapt again, but it was too late
To put out a fire where the weapon burns

And after going through a dark childhood
A tough adolescence came
That's what happens when stitches are not put
Because what is not cured persists

And I spent those years living in deception
That one day everything would change and the damage would disappear
That the solution was in an inert time
And so I waited for that train that never had a station

I could only witness that beautiful stage
Because I never had a girlfriend and never had friends
I spent the afternoons so alone that not even with myself
I felt accompanied in that unfounded punishment

Something was wrong, but I thought maybe
Age would make me normal like the others
Everything was moving forward, while I was left behind
And I felt my life slipping away at full speed

I couldn't relate to people anymore
And the fear of people circulated in my bloodstream
At 17 I sought help, and suddenly
The psychologist confirmed the obvious

I knew I suffered from a mental illness
Colloquially called social phobia
An anxiety disorder and demented shyness
For which there was no real cure

My condition worsened, and everything became murky
I left hopes alongside studies
And with a fortune that even I envy
I discovered poetry on the eve of suicide

And I went from page to page, from psychologist to psychologist
From error to trial, and from monologue to monologue
I clung to hatred like a faithful to his decalogue
And from that point and end I began the prologue

And in those years that the habitation stole from me
I proposed to make a spectacle of my wounds
I made art a receptacle bastion
And so I supported my depression on its staff

At 22 years and 60 days
I wanted to put an end to my agony
But I weighed it, and although I still don't know if it was cowardice or bravery
I embarked on a journey without knowing how I would do it

Accustomed to taking studies on my own path
I immersed myself fully in the field of psychology
Adding experimentation to what I knew
I made comprehensive advances on my pathology

And as no war has been won without actions
I began to put those observations into practice
I started going out there, and colonel of my missions
I devised a thousand new ways to face the lions

Three months passed if memory serves me right
This brain that sometimes forgets its legend
When I thought I wasn't making progress, and in a dull suggestion
I saw the top so high that I almost let go of the rope

And with only the last hope of spare
And all my savings as the only budget
I poured two years and 500 euros into the basket
Like someone paying the bail for their own arrest

I looked for the best psychologist in my city
Until I found one specializing
Precisely in minds afflicted by my evil
Who treated with cognitive-behavioral therapy

We resolved that price because I couldn't do more
And we agreed on ten sessions of 50 euros per day
I put all my efforts and hopes and felt
That after that therapy my life would improve

But after a very different battle
In which although there were wounded, there were no deaths
I felt that that chimera fell behind me
When everything remained the same and the therapy ended

Leaving the clinic the sky darkened
And I thought: There is nothing more to do, everything is over
I wanted to access what the dream taught me
I moved another piece, and misfortune took hold

I continued with my studies, I was rigorous and constant
With more irritation and less money than before
With results little more interesting
Than a whirlwind of incessant frustrations

And in one of those regretful weeks
I returned home with the battle lost
I sat my mother down for a determined talk
And one of the hardest moments of my life happened

I told her in a conversation I will never forget
If I don't get better this year, this December I will commit suicide
Life doesn't pay off like this and I hope you understand
So when I do it, I don't want you to be surprised

So that the escape did not seem pleasant
I risked my health for life
And I quote, like a devotee the verses of my motto
Fourth sentence, from the fifth paragraph of this topic

I understood that the threat favors the fearless
That with death on your heels you run faster
So I thrived for a thousand having for my nonexistence
And I understood why wars advance science

And little by little I perceived a slight progress
Like one who increases his income by five cents
I fought, I fought, and I fought, and I only listened to my brain
Ready to change my life night and day, I became obsessed

From that dark tunnel, messenger of the future
A light began to emerge from which I was still unsure
I recognize that recognizing it was a tough process
I swear that just writing it I feel rushed

After socializing a lot I met new people
And then I deduced that it was time to put myself to the test
I entered the lion's den, naked of excuse
Taking fear as a challenge, and my freedom as a muse

I started going out at night in a drastic show of faith
I faced fears of galactic dimensions
Until the nightclub became my practice field
And my room the study of each tactic

Throughout my process I banned alcohol
I replaced every occasion of inhibition with control
So I made sure that every mission accomplished
I executed it, not my drugged version

Using the understanding whip of reason
I was able to tame my racing heart
There were tough moments, of deep desolation
But with my discipline I shattered its frame

And with no more tools than a thirst for pleasures
I left nights there feeling like I had powers
I lost shame, then fear of women
And one day looking in the mirror it said to me: Who are you?

After flirting with an attractive doll
I had my first kiss in a cold nightclub
And maybe as revenge or a desire to laugh at the world
The next day it was with another that I had the second

It was like being in a new reality
Barely a year passed, I repeated my vanity
At 23 I lost my virginity
But it wasn't until later that I made love for real

I met other girls, had sexual encounters
I saw that I confused comets with stellar bodies
After a vow and a business attempt
That Christmas came and there was food on my table

I returned to the page, I was where I left off
Waiting for hatred from me that I now advise against
I wrote to tell it never again, to this calvary
And I signed it with my greatest Solitary

I hate pre-sex, bureaucracy irritates me
But attending a meeting with another pretty face
I noticed something inside that was different from what excites
And that one unknowingly was our first date

I fell in love with her and what a calamity
When in her eyes I didn't see traces of reciprocity
Playing the same game of hiding the feeling
To realize later that we were two cruel experts

I only lied to the page when I thought I lost you
Deranged and wrong in that strong feeling
And thinking that I would never see you again
I composed precocious works anticipating my fate

I delved back into deep thought
With more strength than ever and less affection towards the world
I had managed to heal, yes, but in the end
What good is wealth if nothing is worth a penny?

That day came, I expressed what I felt
Hoping she would kill me and end my agony
But it wasn't like that, and yes, to my fortune
Her mouth contradicted what my hand wrote

Although I don't believe in futures, and in pasts I am agnostic
I see and read in this present a happy prognosis
More alive in reason, heart, and not in the fantastic
Because I know that to anticipate is to anticipate the diagnosis

In this expensive world where everything costs
I'm going to sit in front of the lighthouse of its setting
Some ask me: What about your life?, answer
And the answer?, the short one doesn't exist, the long one is this